anonymous asked:


st part of family violence and the legal abuse syndrome is the impact on children, both on them and within them. When a child is severed from their protective parenta silent epidemiclife for this child is never the same.

First, they are led to believe that the protective parent abandoned them. From this, they are to conclude that this protective parent “really” doesn’t love them.

The net result of this thinking is: on a core level, they are not lovable. Well, this is quite a burden for a child to bear.

However, children like adults naturally seek to resolve the cognitive dissidence inherent in this internal dilemma. Before I go on to elaborate further, let’s step back and define cognitive dissidence.

What is Cognitive Dissidence?

“Cognitive dissidence” is a psychological term referring to the tension state in which our “beliefs,” “feelings” and “actions” are incongruent. That is, when these three aspects of our existence are not in-sink.

So for example, a child (let’s say a young boy) believes his mother (the person more often in this situation) abandoned him. Yet, he feels deep in his being her loving connection to him and his to her, and his actions are to seek her out. Ouch!!!

The tension grows as this inner disharmony lingers. So, what then happens? The psyche seeks to resolve the disharmony by attempting to bring the three elements into congruence…into harmony.

How Do We Resolve Cognitive Dissidence?

Typically this is done by redefining each of these elements just as one re-calculates a mathematical operation. How do they get redefined? As with most things in life, one moves to the direction of the loudest voice, the more pervasive input, the more “in-your-face” perspective.

I bet you’re getting the way the child must resolve the cognitive dissidence in this situation. With mother physically out of the picture and father’s (plus his full family) ongoing input and ability to regulate the child’s entire rewards system, the child will do what?

Obviously the child will let the beliefs set the norm, and both feelings and actions will follow suit to harmonize all three so as to reflect the dominant current input. And thereby, move to resolve the cognitive dissidence.

Long Term Danger for the Puppet Child

But here’s the danger later in life for the child. When this child changes the actions, there can be so much external, positive reinforcement that doing so is almost effortless. New action – withdraw from mom.

But the feeling part, well that’s the part that tricks you up every time. Because even though the child will swallow the loving feeling for his mother at least externally, these feelings lie dormant within. And the result of this is an incomplete resolution of the cognitive dissidence…a “puppet child.”

Now I wish there was an upbeat, hopeful way to end this article, but I’m afraid there isn’t. There is however, some advice I can share with anyone who is an estranged parent or has a puppet child.

It’s not about you! Your experience of your inner well-being must not require your child’s efforts to resolve his/her cognitive dissonance to be any way other than the way it is.



Yessenia Morton

Local Music Hits asked:


Personality Changes in an Aging Family

Researched and Authored by: Michael J. Spindler of Local Music Hits!

In the following text, the author is going to explore how his personality relates to interpersonal relationships that are engaged, when interacting with senior family members. This exploration will also attempt to shed light on how the dynamics of these relationships has transitioned from childhood through adulthood for the author. Where the personality of the author has altered as the authors perspective of the senior family members went from authoritarian figures to complex interactions of friendship and developing a relationship on equal ground.

As a child, the authors up bringing instilled the idea that anyone older than oneself deserved respect and obedience without question. This ideal set the stage for low self esteem and a heavy reliance for support, guidance; and approval from anyone in a position of authority. The author was more fortunate than other children to begin building a strong bond with maternal Grandparents at a very young age. Through various family disasters, the young author came to think as his Grandparents as both home and parents. This feeling would eventually be confirmed at a later date by a proclamation of a family court, ordering custody of the author and siblings to their maternal Grandparents.

The previous preteen relationship was based on grandparents’ gift giving, buying school clothes and supplies when the biological mother could not. At such a young age, generous offerings were greatly appreciated and reciprocated in kind by spending time visiting and helping around the house doing various chores or yard work. The labor was never dreaded as visits were always looked to as an escape from a perilous reality of home life; and as an opportunity to allude to how life was not going so well. The relationship the author had with his Grandmother quickly bloomed into a friendship. As the author had no real friends and no outlet to communicate outside of the home environment. Though the author was under eleven years of age at the time, it was a mature relation of give and take.

The author has established two influences that will affect the rest of his life. The first and most obvious; a background from a broken home which manifest through insecurity, low self esteem, and a constant fear of commitment and/or rejection. The second, a blooming relationship with maternal grandparents, who are loving, encouraging, and supportive. In a mental world full of conflict, resentment, rage, and regret; coupled with the need to conform, appease, and an incessant need for approval.

The social impact on children who have been physically abused is perhaps less obvious, yet still substantial. Immediate social consequences can include an inability to form friendships with peers, poor social skills, poor cognitive and language skills, distrust of others, over-compliance with authority figures, and a tendency to solve interpersonal problems with aggression. In their adult life, the long-term consequences can impact both their family and their community. There are financial costs to the community and society in general, e.g., funding social welfare programs and services and the foster care system. Studies have shown that physically abused children are at a greater risk for mental illness, homelessness, crime, and unemployment. All of these affect the community and society in general and are the social costs of physical abuse. (Mann, Ph.D., Corell, M.A., Ludy-Dobson, Ph.D., & Perry, M.D., Ph.D., 2001)

The author can only speculate, as to the impact his Grandparents have had on his life. Had life continued without intervention, could “today” be a more hellish existence? While the author can relate to a number of qualities previously mentioned in the above reference, there are aspects of his life, which are not nearly as nightmarish.

As the years progressed, the authors bond with the world weakened as his bond with the Grandparents strengthened. Through the rough spots of teenage years, a slow resentment began to build. By maintaining a clean cut, straight laced look, the author found it difficult to express himself. Through music, language, and friends, every choice was made with the feeling of “would my Grandparents approve?”. This went as far as into the music I listened to, the music I wrote, always conscious of lyrics and imagery. To sum up a long list, the author felt constrained and restricted. This inability to find a healthy outlet, lead the author down the wrong path of substance abuses that would last for more than a decade to come. The irony, most people would never know in large part because the idea that appearance is everything had been drilled in so well by an entire family. The following characteristics; wardrobe, hygiene, well spoken, and selective behavior that would be appropriate for any situation, will put blinders on a lot of people who never get to know you better than the surface.

The author will admit that while genetics plays a tremendous role, specifically when it comes to substance abuse. That behavior of abuse could have been tempered or even stomped out of existence by a more positive social situation from birth to adulthood. The Grandparents had known and acknowledged that there was little they could do, to repair the damages already inflicted. But perhaps their role in life was to minimize the impact on the siblings’ futures.

In reflection, while there are a number of other personality theories at work in our lives, it is the opinion of the author that behavioral and social impacts have clearly shaped his life. A constant struggle against conflicting responses; which clearly explains why he continues to keep the world at an arms distance. There is a cold comfort to the blinders that he continues to use as a tool when in social situations, personal, business, or even friendships.

“Children that are rejected by their parents will have a host of problems including difficulty developing emotional intimacy.” (Perry, M.D Ph. D., Runyan, Ph. D., & Sturges, 1998)

Unfortunately, this difficulty of being able to develop a deeper emotional bond affects the relationship the author has with his Grandparents. He owes the world to them and continues to reciprocate in his own ways, but it will always be a relationship at just an arms length. Foremost on his mind will always be self preservation through the avoidance of emotional bonds.

Perhaps there is hope for the author. There has always been a stronger relationship with his Grandmother despite the fact that his Grandfather and he share so much more in personality characteristics. The same unease in public, difficult to get to know as in not voluntary in sharing much about oneself, and the list goes on. The author can relate to his Grandfather, and communicate with his Grandmother. So maybe it is possible to find romance eventually, as they have, and to be truly in love without any more fear. But first, nothing will come without continuous work to repair the damages done by others behaviors.

References – Do Not Strip Article References

Mann, D., Ph.D., Corell, A. P., M.A., Ludy-Dobson, C., Ph.D., & Perry, B. D.M.D., Ph.D. (2001). Physical Abuse of Children. Retrieved Decemeber 12, 2007, from http://www.childtrauma.org/CTAMATERIALS/physical_abuse.asp

Perry, B. D., M.D Ph. D., Runyan, D., Ph. D., & Sturges, C. (1998, January). Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated ChildrenHow Abuse and Neglect in Childhood Impact Social and Emotional Development. Retrieved December 12, 2007, from http://www.childtrauma.org/ctamaterials/bonding.asp

Researched and Authored by: Michael J. Spindler

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Kianna Osborne

anonymous asked:


Can we bring justice to family courts? That’s a highly political question, and I think the answer has more to do with the nature of the human beings behind the system and the misconceptions of those using the system to seek safety.

We hear of battered women falling through the cracks of the system as much as those securing safety through the system. It is clear that those who fall through the cracks typically are in proceedings with a batter fortified with aggressive counsel, or being victimized by counsel, and in some cases both.

Thus, as long as divorce law is about one party annihilating another, mindless of the interest of children and family as a whole, then economically disadvantaged survivors of domestic abuse are subject to system failures.

Is Family Court the Proper Place to Seek Remedy for Domestic Violence?

It is also true that part of the dilemma is that divorce court is actually not the proper jurisdiction to secure remedy for domestic abuse. In divorce court in which there is a “no fault” presumption, responsibility for the marital dissolution is spread across the marriage.

The implication of this is that the perpetrator is given an umbrella to hide under and a way to deflect assuming responsibility for the battering behavior. Further and more equally serious, the victim is expected to shoulder aspects of the battering relationship that technically do not belong to her/him. And even worse is the ongoing legal permission to re-victimize the victim through legal judicial and psychiatric ploys.

How Can Legal Domestic Abuse Be Legal?

You know that abuse is about control. Well, so is litigation. Two parties in a legal action are essentially fighting for control, and the perpetrator thrives in this arena.

Now when there’s a gross disparity of income between the parties and when the perpetrator controls the family purse strings, which is often the case in these relationships/situations, then the litigation can really be controlled because he who pays will most likely drive the litigation.

This party can taunt, torment and terrorize his/her opposition with legal stalking, financial starve out tactics and with the threat of custody litigation. Abusers know nothing will devastate their victims as much as seeing their children endangered. So they use the threat of obtaining custody to extract agreements to their liking. And this can go on indefinitely.

So instead of looking to change the family court system, or expect the family court to serve you differently, see it for what it is and seek to employ other strategies in conjunction with family court to arrest the domestic abuse and secure safety for yourself and your children.



Lamont Cline